Category Archives: Movie Review

The Original Terror of the Waters; JAWS 1975 – 1987

Last week I had the urge to watch the JAWS movie series, since it was available on NetFlix..

The whole series is about this rogue killer shark, each a different shark because the shark in each movie was destroyed, I mean not just stabbed or anything, but blown to bits, except part 2, that one was electrocuted to the point it was on fire..

The movies also centered on the Brody family, which is not so strange since they seem to be the ones to kill the shark in every movie.  But how do those sharks know who those people are and why would it seek such revenge on that family..??

Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) was in the first 2 movies and came up with some great lines before the shark was destroyed..  like; “Smile, you son of a bitch!” and “Open Wide!  SAY AHHHHH!”

Movies 3 & 4 were about their sons, 3 was “located” in Florida at Sea World of all places and 4 was in the Caribbean.

JAWS 3 was 3-D (1983).  The early 80s is when 3-D vision was being used in horror film, to add more of a scare effect in the movie theaters, you see something practically jumping out from the screen and at your face, the scare factor is high.  Friday the 13th Part 3 was 3-D the year before.

The series ends with Jaws:The Revenge (Part 4).  The Shark kills the youngest Brody son, Sean, who was a police deputy for Amity Island.  It jumped up at his police boat, ripping off his arm and then a second chomp, pulls him under the water.  Ellen Brody, the mom and former Chief Brody’s widow, said that Chief Brody died of a heart attack, Ellen says it was the fear of the shark and water that killed him.

Mike Brody, oldest son is living in the Caribbean and brings his mom to stay with them to help her over the grief of losing her son.  There’s an ominous feeling she has, thinking, dreaming and knowing that the Shark is following her.  Of course, she’s right, the Shark does come after the remaining family, even the little 5 year old granddaughter.  But the Brodys team up and destroy that Shark again, proving that love of family and having the will to not give in to the fear of impending super natural doom, will win the day..

I noticed that these movies had to have a happy ending.  The Shark had to be destroyed because Man has to be the dominant species on the planet, if super nature wins out, then people will be too afraid to live their lives.

These movies were during a time that practical effects were used.  No CGIs or computer video effects trickery.  They used some actual shark film footage and of course, had the largest animatronic shark built to scare the hell out of us.

When the first Jaws movie came out in my hometown in 1975, nobody went into the water or were even at the beaches during the whole month of June.  It scared everyone that badly.   And that makes me smile thinking about that  a movie about a killer shark, would keep people from going swimming.

My hometown also was the place where they filmed Piranha 3D in 2010 about those killer prehistoric piranhas that ate Jerry O’ Connell’s penis and some springbreakers too.

FEED THE BLACK: Review

FEED THE BLACK , a short silent film by Klayton Dean, is an amazing almost psychedelic voyage into the other side when a young woman kills herself because of her overwhelming grief of her mother passing away..

The eerie, creepy music does drive the viewer to stay in their seat to give their full 100% attention to watch the film.  It’s hard to look away with the music keeping you locked into watch this film.

The film starts off in bright colors before the girl dies and then after she wakes up after dying, the colors are more muted and very dreamlike quality, with  overlapping occult and religious images that freak you out a bit as they flash in your face, to keep you off balance and unsure of what will happen next and you can almost feel the confusion of the girl as she travels deeper into this mysterious realm..

The scenery and locations around the remote areas of UK are beautiful and give the film even more ominous feeling to this unknown journey in death.

it is 32 mins of sadness, wonder, confusion, fear and mystery..

i recommend that you all watch this amazing work, it’s worth the time and you can see the incredible talent of a director who takes film making to a very different level!

Seriously, don’t watch Fright Night 2 (2013)

Silly, idiotic, curious me, always has a need to watch movies i’m told not to watch..  because sometimes those who tell me not to watch them are wrong..

but not this time..

this had popped up on Netflix as a recent add and i thought, let’s see what kind of story for a second movie of the Fright Night remake has in mind..

so i’m pretty sure this was a direct to video kind of movie and it’s not a sequel to the remake..  in fact, it’s a reboot of the remake..  it’s the same characters, different cast, and a brand new story of them meeting up with vampires, like they have not gone thru any vampire related at all..  WTF??  why the hell is is called Part 2 then??  i’m not sure..  and Jerry Dandridge is Gerri Dandridge and a woman, who is an art history professor at a university in Romania, that Charlie, “Evil” Ed and Amy go to..  in one of their classes it was discussed that Bram Stoker got Dracula wrong because Dracula was actually a..  woman..  ????  and so the hilarity ensues..

Peter Vincent is a paranormal reality star, who stages all his effects and meetings with “supernatural” creatures for FRIGHT NIGHT and he’s a complete coward..  even tho at the very end of the movie he does save the day..

Gerri Dandridge is Elizabeth Bathory, who was placed under a curse that she will be a night stalking vampire until she drinks the blood of a virgin who was born at midnight under a blood moon, then she will be able to walk in the daylight and still be a vampire..  she has a pool of blood that she keeps draining female victims’ blood into and she submerges herself in it for a while and she comes out young and beautiful because in her true form, she is an old ugly hag..

of course, Amy is the destined virgin..

ok.. ok.. given the modern times, the FX are very good, with lots of bloody gore all over the place..  thumbs up for that..

Gerri is a bit too cheery as a vampire..  she’s always smiling and always says such lines that refer to sexual innuendo or cryptic vampire..  and she has a sonar ability that helps her find her prey in tunnels..

i really am kicking myself for wasting my time watching this movie..  but it was really filmed in Bucharest Romania, so that’s another thumbs up for that..

i implore you..  DON’T WATCH THIS MOVIE!

Wyrmwood: the Road of the Dead

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The most brilliant and original zombie movie EVER!

it’s even from Australia!  i do agree with the review line from Empire Magazine, “Mad Max Meets Dawn of the Dead”  and it even has their own version of a Murphy(Z Nation) who can control the zombies!!

the premise is that the zombie virus is airborne and those with A- blood type is immune..  so the local military soldiers are all wearing gas masks hooked to air tanks on their backs, ordered to round up survivors for their mobile lab unit..  the doctor in charge of the mobile lab is quite brilliant but he’s young and cocky and loves to sing and dance to classic dance tunes which he subjects his “patients” to..  he has fully turned zombies in the back of the truck as well as survivors, he injects huge syringe full of zombie blood into the back of the neck (i think he’s hitting the spinal cord by the way he’s downward injecting at the back of the neck) of the survivors to see what effects will happen and then after 5 doses of zombie blood, he takes brain samples from up the nose, killing the survivor, because he uses a drilling probe..  one patient he had kidnapped, Brooke, seems to be turned in to a Murphy, she’s able to control all zombies, and even gets the doctor turned into one as she coordinates the other zombies to free themselves and bite him, forcing him to free her..  she goes to search for her brother, who is also a survivor, Barry..

Barry has to kill his wife and little girl as they end up turning..  then he meets up with other survivors who find out that gas in vehicles no longer work, it’s like the flammable agent that fires into the engine is gone, but the zombies are now exhaling gas fumes and their blood has turned flammable..  so Barry and his new friends, Benny and Frank, convert a truck to where they have a zombie hooked to a gas mask that has a hose that connects to the engine, to get it to run..  Barry is looking for his sister Brooke..

while the military, configure their vehicles to exclusively run on electric volts running on a circuit that does not use gas..

it also is discovered that the zombies stop exhaling the gas at night, and they are using it for themselves, which makes them faster and stronger.

towards the end of the movie, you are rooting for the zombie army, and wanting them to kill and eat the soldiers, which they are led by Brooke, and Barry..  as they look for other survivors and kill the soldiers..

i highly recommend this movie!  it’s a new fresh concept for zombies and plus, who doesn’t love Australian road horror movies??

 

Bane’s Best & Worst Xmas Horror List

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the WORST movie, in my opinion, is JACK FROST(1997) and not the Michael Keaton one..

The ’97 movie was absolute beyond crap low budget film and beyond ridiculous story..

a convicted murderer being driven to his execution thru Colorado, in a really bad snow storm, the van collides with a toxic waste tanker which transforms the psycho’s DNA to bond with the snow and becomes a Killer Snowman, and his name is Jack Frost..

which means his powers of changing to get into houses are unlimited as long as it’s snowing and cold, he can get under front door and in thru the very big opening of door locks..  and even if you melt him, he will reform as a snowman..  he has the worst one liners ever, oh..  and he does rape and murder a woman in the shower with his snowman carrot nose..  ewww…  and brutal..

 

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a Netherlands film about Saint Nick, who is much like Krampus,  not the holly jolly Santa Claus, but a murderous fallen bishop, who was turned into a creature for revenge on the town that sank & burned the boat he was on because he was a savage bully, many many decades ago..  he is accompanied by his Black Petes, minions dressed in black, that do his bidding to spread more mayhem and fear..

Saint Nick also rides a magical dead horse that carries him to all sorts of places, like rooftops and such..

i personally hate english subtitles because it takes my eyes away from the people on the screen to read what is being said, so be sure to find the english dubbed version..

it’s also a bit of cheese but not too bad..

 

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this one i really enjoyed!  A hilarious UK horror comedy!

it’s brilliant, a office janitor is stuck in a women’s bathroom stall and using all sorts of ways to keep the zombies from getting to him..

it’s an office building’s christmas party and someone was infected with the zombie virus that practically took over the whole building, and WC is one of the few survivors stuck and trying to get out without being bitten! and practically the whole movie is all in this bathroom!

i would recommend this one to everybody!

 

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this one is more dramatic but just a bit WTF??   3 people are trapped in an ATM little building, by a psycho slasher..

it’s mostly a waiting game and the 3 hotshots try to use the ATM machine to get the police to show up because the killer is literally staring them down just outside near their car, which is half a parking lot away, right outside the little building..  and no one has a working cellphone??

the killer waits so long, that he actually pulls out a fold out chair to sit and watch them..

this is more a WTF film..  i didn’t understand why someone would attack people at an ATM, he obviously didn’t want their money..  that was clear enough..  but ..  ok.. i guess..  huh?

 

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a woman trying to leave her office building to go home and visit her family for christmas, is trapped in the underground parking garage by an obsessed deranged lovesick psycho security guard(wes bentley)..

he has the place locked down, she’s unable to get cell reception to call for help and he chases her all over the parking areas, so that she can spend the holiday with him..

i guess some guys just don’t like to hear the word No..

this one is a major thriller and worth watching and also teaches a lesson about young women not going to their cars by themselves, even if it’s in an underground security parking area..

 

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Bill Goldberg as a psycho Santa on a killing spree..

nothing more needs to be said..

i’d say watch this for the pure bloody mess that ensues as Santa, the offspring of Satan knocking up a virgin, and forced to deliver presents for 1000 years..  i guess he really hated his job and just couldn’t take it anymore..

but it’s Goldberg just going completely batshit psycho crazy!  it’s a fun watch!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zombie STD… ewww..

CONTRACTED a 3 day progression of a victim of date rape at a party, who ends up (spoiler alert) turning into zombie..

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it all starts in the morgue, of course, we don’t see it but you can see the table shaking and making noises like someone is having sex with the corpse on the table..  we see the corpse feet with the tag on the toe and then it goes to a party in progress and some unknown guy is trying to talk to women at the party..

the main character, Samantha, is a 10 month lesbian relationship but they are having problems and split up forcing Samantha to move back in with her mother(Caroline Williams(Stretch,texas chainsaw massacre part 2)),

Sam’s friend, Alice, is trying to get Sam drunk so that she won’t worry about her problems with Nikki, but that just gets Sam into trouble when the unknown guy named BJ gives her a drink, which has rufies in it and they end up in the backseat of his car and he’s having sex with her, she begs him to stop, but he doesn’t and then she wakes up at home, and starts to feel sick and finds a HUGE amount of blood in her bed and she has a rash between her legs..  she looks super pale and she goes to the doctor, he says that her heart beat is unusually slow but it’s probably becuz of her being ill..  (hello, clue #1, unusually slow heart rate, not from having the flu, geez..)

by day 2, her eyes are now bloody red and she starts to go to the doctor but her boss calls her and tells her that he needs her to work, she tries to tell him that she’s not feeling well but he says that he will get someone to come in if she works for a short time..

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when your restaurant employees look like this, don’t have them work, it will upset the customers..  ya think..?

she goes back to the doctor who sees her eyes and tells her to not be around people until he gets the results back from her blood test..

uh.. Doc..  do you think that you should have admitted her to the hospital in a quarantine becuz it’s not normal that someone looks like this from having unprotected sex..  it’s probably more than just an STD, you idiot!

and then Samantha’s life really unravels from there..  her mom thinks she’s on drugs and needs rehab, her boss is pissed that she left work, even tho there’s no way she could work the way she looks, her gf found out from Alice that Sam had sex with a guy at the party and is pissed, her plant entry for a flower expo died and they didn’t want to let her in the contest becuz they plants are dead and she looks almost dead..  by day 3, maggots and meal worms are falling out her vag and she looks like she should be in quarantine in a high security medical facility, and she gets really upset when her friends piss her off and she ends up killing them and infecting the guy who has an extreme crush on her by having sex with him..  how stupid can you be when a girl you really like, looks like she’s contagious with something bad but you have sex with her anyway??   a big clue for him should have been, when he said that it was tingling as he put his dick in her and that she was really wet (from massive bleeding down there and not from her period)..   ewwww..

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by the end of the movie, you can tell that she’s not human or alive anymore and the best thing would be to just shoot her, but it blacks out just when you see the cops surrounding her and her mom is screaming to not shoot her..

this was a really good movie, and it shows the danger of taking a drink from a guy you don’t know at a party, who could rufie you and give you the ultimate STD..

 

POLTERGEIS 2015 Remake

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MJ and I hate remakes of the classic movies!  most remakes take the movie and mangle the hell out of it making it sh!@#t!

when i saw that Poltergeist was on the remake list and was done, i was pissed..  number 1 because some of the actors of that 80s film are no longer alive and a remake in my opinion is sacrilege, even though with our new digital CGI and new makeup effects techniques, they can make something seem newer but it doesn’t mean it’s better than the original..

with the remake of Poltergeist, they used a new name for the family, the Bowens..  but they did use the same parts of the original story, like a very psychic child who talks to ghosts, her name is Maddie, an older sister who is a bit of a brat, Kendra, and the little brother, Griffin, who is afraid of everything because Mom had lost him 3 yrs ago in a mall..  he gets the attic room that has a skylight window on the ceiling, that an ancient willow tree hangs over, which drags him out of the roof..

Griffin was also attacked on his first night, not by just 1 creepy clown doll, but a whole box of bizarre looking clown dolls..  that was kinda creepy weird..

the only cool part of the movie was that we get to see what the other side looks like that Maddie gets pulled into, with modern technology, a small camera attached to a toy drone craft that Griffin pilots into the closet portal..  and when you hear her running through the house, we get to see her shadow on the walls as she’s running from something chasing her..   another cool part of the movie, was that Griffin felt responsible for Maddie being taken since he left her alone in her room while he ran away to hide, so he goes into the closet portal to find her and bring her back, before any of the adults could stop their arguing with each other..  i thought that was an even more touching thing to do and showed the adults that children are braver and just more determined than the adults to go into an unknown situation to bring back a loved one..

now a big problem with this movie was the scary scene when the ghosts come out of the TV..  in the original, there was a spectacular light effects that showed “the TV people” coming out of the TV and into the house and little CarolAnne, saying..  “They’re..  heeere..”  the remake had hands showing up on the TV screen where Maddie was touching the screen and then they disappeared and Maddie says as a simple statement, “they’re here”..  you didn’t see anything else except the mayhem that followed after that..  which was mostly like paranormal activity type of mischief on a bigger scale..

it just wasn’t as scary as the original..  or maybe i’m too much a fan of the original, but i did give it a chance..  granted with newer computer technologies and state of the art special effects, i feel that it didn’t help this movie..